Joan Crawford

I believe I remember Christina Crawford saying she hated Torch Song in her memoir Mommie Dearest. It was Joan's return to MGM and her first Technicolor film.

Dubbed by India Adams, Joan Crawford took a stab at singing her own vocals. The main ballad is "Follow Me." The posters are way cooler than the flick itself. They have a Bauhaus neo-noir tinge to them, I guess due to the fact that the protagonist's love interest is blind...?

Still, the promotions hinted to much more genius than Torch Song could possibly deliver. The film's reputation is that of high-camp/BAD-movie entertainment. YouTube "Two Faced Woman" for one of the worst musical numbers put on screen, followed by a frightful ripping-off-her-wig moment that is as intense as a Tallulah Bankhead drag act bidding a bar full of truckers one final adieu...or fuck you....

Catherine Deneuve

That was not her singing on the soundtrack to The Umbrellas Of Cherbourg (Les Parapluies de Cherbourg). Nope. Danielle Licari did those honors, although it sounds so right when heard to Catherine Deneuve's lip-syncing.

Catherine is also a very begrudging participant in Bjork's musical reveries, the technicolor subtext, of Lars von Trier's Dancer In The Dark.

Finally, Ms. Deneuve lets loose in 8 Women (8 Femmes), a nifty holiday musical/who-done-it flick where each woman gets her moment on trial and each woman gets her song. Catherine sings "Toi Jamais" as a woman of true worldly knowledge.

Jessica Lang

When Jessica Lang took on the role of Big Edie in the HBO produced Grey Gardens, based on the Maysles brothers' documentary of the same name, she decided she was "going to be reckless" and do her own singing -- something she had never done before, although her lip-syncing to Patsy Cline was exquisite in Sweet Dreams.

She does quite a bit of her own singing in Grey Gardens, and three of those tracks make it onto the soundtrack CD. One is a mono, old time recording of "We Belong Together," something Big Edie could certainly have recorded back in her day. The track I use, however, is the duet version with Malcolm Gets.

Meryl Streep

Merrrrrrrrrrrrryl!

What can you NOT do, Ms. Streep? I owned the soundtrack for Death Becomes Her (on cassette!) because of your number at the beginning. Weren't you doing a musical version of Sweet Bird Of Youth in that flick? And you sang in Postcards From The Edge...a Ray Charles song and newly written honky-tonk ballad, no less. And I heard you belt it out live as Mother Courage at Shakespeare in the Park. THEN came MammaMia!

"Her singing." quoteth my roommate, very gravely. Michael Musto said she should "Stop singing!" And if you watch it in the movie (as opposed to listening to the cavernous echo of the CD soundtrack), "The Winner Takes It All" ends up being a sweepingly epic screech-a-thon. Really watch and listen to her. When Letterman showed a clip from it on his show, the studio audience barely applauded. It's bad. Overwrought and awkward at the same time. And she hooooooooooooooowwwwwls! 

Deafening. 

And raw.

Vanessa Redgrave

Joshua Logan didn't mind one bit replacing Broadway's Guinevere Julie Andrews with Vanessa Redgrave when he filmed Lerner & Loewe's Camelot. He said something to the effect of "Can anyone imagine a country going to war over Julie Andrews' face?" Diss.

Vanessa's, of course, a consummate actress and gives Guinevere her personal brand of pathos. She does a very melodramatic "I Loved You Once In Silence" so I opted for "The Simple Joys Of Maidenhood."

She apparently wore a dress made entirely of pumpkin seeds for this movie. I tried to grab a pic but no dice.

Helena Bonham Carter

I think the story goes: Hal Prince wanted Stephen Sondheim to write a music-hall number for Angela Lansbury on Broadway in Sweeney Todd. Hence "By The Sea." Helena Bonham Carter squeaks it out in Tim Burton's movie version.

Catherine O'Hara

Wonderfully talented, beautiful and infinitely funny is Catherine O'Hara, who's created the soul and the schtick of some of Christopher Guest's best characters. (I was going to use "God Loves A Terrier" from Best In Show for this blog when I had no idea she'd done "Sally's Song" from Nightmare Before Christmas.)

The pic of her at top is from her stint in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Had no idea she'd done that either =P

Renee Zellweger

She was a revelation. Even Nicole said Renee Zellweger shoulda won the Oscar that year instead of her. Renee's rendition of "Roxie" comes in the middle of Hollywood's take on Bob Fosse's Chicago, and it proves to be a whammy of a diversion. Looking suspiciously like it's being filmed on video, and drawing anachronistic similarities to Marilyn Monroe and The Twilight Zone, Renee bounces from one mirror reflection of herself to the other, proclaiming the truth about becoming a celebrity. Brilliant. And raw.

Renee Zellweger IS Roxie Hart. Gross as she is, we can't our eyes off her.

Jean Harlow

Interesting stuff on IMDB.com:

[Reckless] was inspired by the life of torch singer Libby Holman, whose husband, tobacco heir Zachary Smith Reynold's suicide caused a scandal (Libby was initially indicted for murder), and she was accused of murder.

Jean Harlow felt the story had disturbing similarities to the suicide of her second husband, Paul Bern. Jean Harlow believed she was cast in the picture in a deliberate attempt to capitalize on that event, and she refused the role at first. In William Powell's autobiography, he says he convinced her to accept the role rather than be suspended [by Selznick].

After the movie was completed and shot as a straight drama, MGM decided to make it into a musical, so production was resumed. This became one of Jean Harlow's few real flops. It's failure pleased Libby Holman immensely. 

Jayne Mansfield

The many faces of Jayne Mansfield. Chameleon, muse, starlet....Madonna's inspiration for the Academy Awards performance of "Sooner Or Later," penned by Stephen Sondheim for Warren Beatty's Dick Tracy. Remember...?

Anyway, as my roommate says, "Jayne Mansfield threw anything at the wall just to see what would stick!" And it's kinda true. But, hey, I would never begrudge a girl's shot at enterprise. I mean, she's always on the phone. Girls makin deals!

Here Miss Mansfield sings "That Makes It" from The Las Vegas Hillbillys ... on the phone:

Rebecca De Mornay

Released as a single in 1985 from the soundtrack of the Neil Simon flop The Slugger's Wife, Rebecca De Mornay hit the airwaves with "Oh Jimmy." I have never heard such a slutty song: "Oh Jimmy don't you wanna do it/We can make it right/Oh Jimmy you know where to put it/Cuz I got what you want toniiiiiiiiiite!"

You know where to put it??? That's trash talk for a white girl. This is the kind of stuff my blog was made for.

Susan Sarandon

Oh Susan! "Touch-A, Touch-A Touch Me!" Nothing could be finer than your Janet Weiss ("Damn it, Janet!") in Rocky Horror Picture Show, the movie where it really felt WRONG when it was released on video. VIDEO??? RHPS ranks in as THE most audience-participatory flick of all time!

...or of all movie time.

Patsy Kensit

Brit It Girl Patsy Kensit--along with her band Eighth Wonder--turns it out in her Julian Temple directed star vehicle Absolute Beginners. The film tanked. So did she, but she bounced back as a legitimate actress and Missus to Liam Gallagher of Oasis. And of her big AB number, "Having It All?" Vanished into cinema obscurity!

Rosario Dawson

Rosario Dawson has pipes. Yet another stage-to-screen adaptation utilized most of it's original Broadway cast when the movie of Rent came barreling down the tracks. Rosario Dawson replaced a pregnant Daphne Rubin-Vega in the pivotal La Bohemesque role of Mimi. All I can say is Rosario's howl is almost as raw as Daphne's as she yodels to Jonathan Larson's "Out Tonight." Or should I say "Aaaaooooooouuuuuut tonight"???



Uma Thurman

The movie version of the hit Broadway musical version of the 1968 Mel Brooks movie The Producers got a major zing when they got Uma Thurman to play go-go dancing secretary Ulla. Uma gave Ulla legs with no end that kick & split on cue. Work. Her belt in "When You Got It, Flaunt It" is more like yelling on key, so there's an element of raw here.

Nicole Kidman

Just caught Moulin Rouge! again on TV last night and, of course, it still holds up. As the mythical archetype Satine, Nicole Kidman was nominated for an Oscar for her singing, dancing, dying performance. Under Baz Luhrmann's wildly opulent direction, Nicole achieved A-List Hollywood status that has lasted a decade. Here, I'm using the Tony Phillips remix of "One Day I'll Fly Away" which utilizes Nicole's original vocal track from the film.

Penelope Cruze

From the movie Nine I really wanted to use Nicole Kidman's "Unusual Way." It's a great example of how an actress utilizes her craft and knowhow.

This is not "Unusual Way."

Penelope Cruze pulls off no small task giving rigorous personality to the role of Carla for the celluloid treatment of the Maury Yeston musical. Thoroughly funny and tragic at the same time, Ms. Cruze's Carla is on edge throughout. And for her big number "A Call From The Vatican" Penelope turns it out, replicating Anita Morris's original contortionist movements and poses. She earned every bit of her Oscar nomination.

Joan Collins

Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan. AKA Joan Collins. JC for short, and just as important as that other JC. And in case you can't spot the Queen of B movies, horror flicks and prime-time TV in the pic above, she's the one on the right. Starring with then-hubby Anthony Newley in Can Heironymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe And Find True Happiness?, Joan joined a gaggle of female stars (including Connie Kreski--above, left--as Mercy Humppe) in Newley's Felliniesque fantasia. Polyester Poontang is her name and she croons "Chalk And Cheese" to a nude Newley (the flick was rated X).

You may have heard Joan tackling a tune or two in Road To Hong Kong, Dynasty or the mini-series Monte Carlo. She even released an album in the swinging sixties that I would DIE to get my hands on. I did get to hear her sing live in Bath, England when she was touring in Noel Coward's Private Lives. After her musical attempt, her costar proclaimed she "always did have a lovely voice." At that moment, a group of kids sitting next to me giggled hysterically at the all-to-flattering remark. There's nothing like live theater.

Diana Rigg

Miss Emma Peel of TV's The Avengers is a far more consummate actress than many would think. A friend of mine once sat next to Dame Diana Rigg while watching an ill-fated Petula Clark musical in London's West End. After expressing his adoration of Rigg's Emma Peel, she curtly replied "I've done OTHER things since then!" He called her a cunt. (To me, that is.)

Stephen Sondheim loves Diana Rigg. He wrote additional material for her in the much-reviled film version of A Little Night Music, as well as London's stage premiere of Follies. In the aforementioned film, she handles--quite definitively--both a specially written solo version of "Every Day A Little Death" and, later, the original duet version with a blonde(!) Lesley-Anne Down (dubbed by Elaine Tomkinson). Ms. Rigg proves to be one of the few true pleasures in the woeful cinematic adaptation.

In fact, I was going to use Elizabeth Taylor's performance of "Send In The Clowns" since it perfectly fits this blog's requirements, but Liz's singing is terrible. I wasn't sadistic enough to inflict it upon your ears.

Mia Farrow

Mia Farrow is the ultimate victim in Roman Polanski's Rosemary's Baby. Pimped out to the devil by her ruthless husband, played by otherwise director John Cassavetes, Mia slowly realizes her suspicions about her creepy neighbors at The Dakota are true...and her hubby's been in on it! The final scene fades into a haunting "Lullaby" composed by Krzysztof Komeda and sung by Mia herself as the credits roll.

Mia's dabbled in singing before, warbling a sweet "I Don't Wanna Walk Without You" in Woody Allen's Radio Days.

Isabella Rossellini

Isabella Rossellini. Blue Velvet. 'Nuff said.